Nature or Nurture?

In May I posted my People Pleasers Anonymous blog, referencing Faith Salie’s book, “Approval Junkie: Adventures in Caring Too Much”. I was more than a little delighted to read about her penchant for people pleasing because, like Faith, I too suffer from the same plight.Salie says, “Instead of trying to be a “perfectionist” or “people pleaser”, it’s better to be honest as an approval junkie, someone who is vulnerable and human enough to admit that they care about affirmation from others”. So, after admitting my approval addiction, I embedded a survey link in my post to determine whether I was a lone ranger on this people-pleasing prairie or if there were other like minded pleasers. My husband and I own a market research firm and conduct polls for a living. Thus, I’m sensitive to sample sizes and questionnaire language. The questions used in the survey were tested by psychologists who are experts in this field  Nevertheless, I was pretty surprised to receive 207 responses. The target audience for my Be Brave. Lose the Beige blog is women between the ages of 40-80. Half of my survey respondents were between 40-60; the other half between 60-80. Thus, we had a fairly good representation of Lady Boomers.

The following are the questions and the results:

 I have a hard time asking for or accepting help from others. 60% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 30% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I worry about hurting other people's feelings74% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 24% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I tend to avoid conflicts and disagreements.70% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 24% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I find it hard to set and keep healthy boundaries.37% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 47% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I strive to be perfect.48% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 40% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I feel responsible for other people's happiness37% said this statement described their personality most of the time; an additional 50% said this statement applied to them at least sometimes.I was fairly stunned by the intensity of the responses. The data from this survey clearly indicates I’m not alone in my need to please. Let me be clear, these responses came from women who are (1) single and married, (2) mothers and grandmothers, (3) family breadwinners, (4) community leaders and volunteers, (5) those who are employed and those transitioning into retirement, (6) caregivers for family members, (7) and all of the above.Is this a cultural thing? Did society and our parents subtly and not so subtly encourage us to adopt these roles? Or, is it in our DNA to be sensitive and caring? Are we psychologically prone to this behavior or have we been socialized to be this way? I would wager to say it’s a bit of both.Until I watched Faith Salie’s interview on CBS Sunday Morning, I had not really talked even to my closest friends and family members about my penchant for people pleasing. I tend to believe most in my age cohort have not either.   I’d like to start this conversation here. This primal or socialized need of ours is delaying us from focusing on ourselves and our own dreams. We could have another 20 or 30 quality years in our physical arsenal, let’s stop postponing our passions for the sake of others.I’m starting a People Pleasing Platform on my blog site and Facebook page. I really want you to share your stories. Maybe you have come out on the other side. If so, others can benefit from your inspiration. As Faith Salie says, “this is a journey toward realizing that seeking approval from others is more than just getting them to like you- its challenging yourself to achieve, and survive, more than you ever thought you could.